I am the Default Parent. I am the one who is excepted to know and remember everything that happens in our home. I’m the one who coordinates everything. Everything from play dates, to teacher’s birthdays to our holiday plans. I’m the one who has the default say on how we spend our family’s free time and I’m also the one to blame when we run out of coffee. I’m the one who has the default answer for anything related to our family. I’m really our household coordinator.
Being the default parent often comes with a negative outlook. I hear friends and sometimes myself complaining that we once again have to decide what to make for dinner, make the plans and make sure we are raising good children. Some of these have bigger rankings than others of course. I think a lot about this.
What I wasn’t thinking was about my husband’s thoughts on this all. Until today when I heard my husband explain to me that it’s really challenging to not be the default parent and have the ‘final’ say. He explained how difficult it can be to not exactly choose the household decisions and then just be met with the expectations to just take care of those decisions. When he said this, I of course became immediately mad and defensive. I explained these are our choices and decisions and while they are, in a bigger sense they are mine. I was wrong. I do just openly expect my husband to agree with my decisions about what is best and what I want and expect. It probably is unfair of me.
I’m the one who narrows down all of our options to the final two or three choices to then present to my husband. That might be if we are once again going to have tacos or spaghetti, which of course can feel like a complaint because those are the choices again. To bigger decisions like a family vacation destination such as Wichita or New York to even bigger such as public school, finding a hybrid-homeschool or fully homeschooling.
Both sides of the coin are hard and unfair at times. Sometimes it’s heads, heads, heads and then tails finally comes up. It’s not 50/50 like the books and really now, TikTok, all say it should be. It’s not even at all. But the difference is, it’s not even because it’s not really meant to be compared. My husband who has the most drive of anyone I know often gets met with a complaint from me for doing his laundry wrong when in reality I should be more openly thankful he is doing his laundry at all. Why does it come out as a complaint when my husband gets the kids dressed and they come out looking more like Napoleon Dynamite?
Being the Household Coordinator is flat out a difficult job that is both the best and hardest job st the same time. But now, after over 11 years of marriage and a 15 year relationship, I’m starting to see that maybe my husband doesn’t leave his socks on the floor or a dirty cup on his nightstand just to annoy me on purpose. Maybe, as the non-default parent, he is using all of his focus and energy to building us up as a family and to make every one of my wishes and dreams come true. I always think of my husband as a hard working person who is always working towards the next big thing. He is the one who is working non-stop and never complains about me stopping to get an ice coffee when perhaps I could just make one at home or instead take an afternoon nap.
None of this is easy at all. Being the default parent and the non-default parent are both really hard. Parenthood is hard. The big thing I need to remember is we are actually one of the two default people in our relationship, which of course is much bigger than being the default parent.
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