Shadowing
As I sat there wrapping up my 34 week appointment, all I hear is good news until I don’t. Shadowing on the kidney they said. Shadowing, shadowing, shadowing. All I hear is an echo going around in my head. I feel light headed, dizzy and maybe I might throw up in my mask.
Then there are tears and the poor doctor is telling me there is nothing to worry about today. Nothing to worry about but I’ll have to go see a specialist. High risk. Shadowing, shadowing, shadowing. More tears. It’s horrible crying in the doctors office no matter what. Crying while wearing a mask in the middle of a pandemic is horrible. A baby with something unknown is beyond horrible.
Gutted I leave and only make it to the lobby before the tears start again. A new mask is covered in tears and snot. I make it to my car and call my husband. Of course because of covid he can’t attend my appointments. The tears flow in my car for a bit and I only have to pull over one time to cry on the 15 minute drive home.
I make it home to my health husband and our healthy toddler. His birthday is in 3 day and he will be turning two. He spent a week in the NICU when he was born and all I can do is cry while I hold him and be thankful he is healthy while I think about our daughter.
My son was fine after all of the testing in the NICU. So much testing and we were so lucky and thankful it was all just a false alarm. Better to be safe and do the tests. And now, about 2 years later, it all seems to come back in a different way, our daughter has shadowing on her kidney. Somehow I manage to make it the 6 days until I see the specialist with only 2 breakdowns. We celebrate our now two year old, have family visit for a great weekend and manage Covid as much as we can. We talk to so many family and friends over our sons birthday and while we decided not to share our pending news, my heart is both breaking and so full.
All of these wonderful people have no idea how much they mean to us. They are a different type of shadow than we really ever expected. Our love, our support. On Sunday night before the appointment I tell my husband that no matter what happens, we have the best support we could hope for and I know everything, no matter the outcome, will be okay because of our own personal shadows, our family and friends.
It turns out our daughter’s ultrasound showed a non-life threatening condition called a duplex kidney. This means she has a normal variation on her left kidney where she has two ureters instead of one. The ureters are the tubes that carry urine from the kidney to the bladder. Not ideal but no big deal because she will live. She will have 2 kidneys. Our daughter is fine and will be fine. She might have more UTIs in her life than is ideal but she has her kidneys.
We will do a follow up in 2 weeks but I can breath right now. No more tears clogging up my mask. She will have several ultrasounds after she is born and then probably every year for a long time just to monitor. That seems doable to go to annual appointments instead of the many worse alternatives.
We still might end up in the NICU or maybe one day be dealing with the idea of one kidney for anyone of us but in this moment and on this day the world is beyond amazing and I’m so thankful for it all. Life. Shadowing. My wonderful husband, our amazing son and our soon to be here daughter. We don’t know what else in life will come our way and yet we have each other and each other feels like the best shadow I could ever ask for.
